I knew the day was going to come...

I knew eventually we had to give in. We haven't ever seen Cole's ear or the back of his neck. It was time. Cole and I both cried. I'm still crying.

Please tell me it will grow back and stand up as crazy as it did before... and that you all still think my baby is the cutest thing you've ever seen.

Here's what started it all. Jeff hates, hates, hates having his hair touch his ears. So to look at Cole's and realize it was actually touching his shoulders and covering his entire earlobe drove Jeff mad. He said it was time to cut it!We attempted to trim things up ourselves first. I cried, freaked out, and yelled at Jeff to STOP! I couldn't bear it!
So Jeff said we were taking him to Cookie Cutters (yes, we go to the ridiculously expensive kids-only place... but my girl is hard to get in to at the last minute) and we were going RIGHT NOW! It's a good thing we got there with a minute to spare before closing time because I might not have been able to go back. I think the girl was super excited to cut his hair. She said she'd never seen a baby with that much blond hair before. She wanted to mohawk it.
My thoughts exactly, Cole.... only I couldn't bawl hysterically without looking like an idiot.
A small part of me died when I saw two inches of his hair all over the floor, me, Jeff, and his clothes. Seriously, she took almost two inches off the top and sides. I am praying it doesn't fall out now and that it grows back. It looks a ton thicker than before and even blonder now! It sort of reminds me of what it was like when he was born.He needed some lovin' from his mamma afterwards. It was traumatic for the both of us. But today he is happy as can be. Apparently he is like his father and hates having his hair touch his ears and neck. That or he feels 2 lbs. lighter. I hope I can figure out how to style this new do because I'm not sure I can take the rejection of total strangers NOT stopping to comment on how adorable he is. Although the benefit of that would be getting through the grocery store 20 minutes sooner. Cole was too busy sucking on his fingers and watching cartoons with his sister this morning to let me get a good picture of his haircut. I thought he looked like Jeff before but now... well, let's just say I am freaked out with how much he looks like his dad! Heaven help us! But what handsome little devils they both are!

Ramblings

I feel like my brain is mush. I'm hoping it's just because I'm breast feeding... my mom jokes that your brain cells literally get sucked out of you! And that eventually I'll be smart again. And motivated. And able to multi-task. And remember my name.

I just can't seem to pull things together. There are so many things I want and feel I should be doing and yet, just never get around to. I think I've got the keeping the house from looking like an utter disaster zone down now, well minus the kitchen which seems to be the catch-all for everything that doesn't have a home or fit in a cupboard. But the rest is toast.

I'm not sure if my expectations are way too high or way too low at this point. It seems like just getting three of us out the door in the morning is about all I accomplish. I struggle at work to remember what projects I'm supposed to be working on and then when I do remember and get motivated to finish them, I get a call with a screaming baby in the background ready for his mama to come and feed him. Then I have to restart the whole process all over again. And it doesn't get better when I'm not at work. On my days off I spend the entire time trying to get all the laundry done and tidy up the house. Which still doesn't happen, as evident by the last load of sheets and towels still sitting in a laundry basket waiting to be folded.

I lay awake at night trying to figure out what's wrong with me. Why I can't seem to muster up enough time and brain power to do the things I feel I should be doing. Like exercising. Oh, my would it be nice to not feel my flabbiness rubbing against other flabbiness. To fit into my clothes instead of having three outfit choices for work (don't even get me started on casual wear) and even then hoping your buttons don't pop off! To feel energized instead of mushy, fat, and blah. But I have never, and will never, exercise at 5 a.m. before my kids wake up! It's just not going to happen so why set myself up for failure? But by the time everyone gets settled in bed, it's 9:30 p.m. and pitch black. I feel like I can't take any more time away from my kids to exercise in the evening because I've been gone from them all day. Plus, trying to get in shape after a several year hiatus from regular exercise just plain sucks.

I know this sounds stupid, considering at this point in time I'm really not capable of teaching anyone something coherent, but I really want to spend time working with Pearl on "school" stuff like recognizing letters, sounds, numbers, that sort of thing. I've been thinking about it for a long, long time. She's ready. She'd love it. Then there's the spiritual stuff she's not learning that I know is so important. Like my feeble attempt at FHE tonight. We were trying to talk about chores and rewards for helping around the house but it ended in screams and someone getting sent to her room to chill out. I don't read scriptures with her or even say prayers before bedtime. It's horrible. And I struggle to do this myself. There is so much she needs to learn. But I never seem to get a lesson planned and organized. I never plan FHE on a regular basis. I'd love to have a letter or concept we focus on with a field trip or art project of some sort to do on Friday. But it never happens. And I'm not sure I can stay up until the wee hours of the morning planning all this... which is essential for me if I'm ever going to do it. I just can't throw things together like that.

Ahhhh! There is so much! I want to bake cinnamon rolls just once for breakfast on Sunday before I die! Or bread! Or this delicious sounding cheesecake. Or finish Pearl's Christmas stocking from three years ago (don't even remind me that Cole doesn't have one too) or my hard anger table cloth from seven years ago. Or get around to finding some frames for our family pictures that I'm dying to display! Or balance my checkbook! But then that brings up a whole new set of worries and frustrations... we have very little debt (our mortgage) and yet, where does it all go? I mean really, if money weren't a factor and I didn't fear living with pennies to spare every month or placing that strain on my marriage, I'd be a stay at home mom. Then maybe I'd get to cross of something on this list. Sadly, it's looking like I will be dead before any of these things happen.

The worst part about all this is I know if I can't handle it now, I'll never be able to handle it. It won't matter if I work or stay at home, if it's not happening now it won't because there will always be something, some reason why I can't seem to pull it together. It makes me sick to think about all the time I have wasted by not figuring out how to balance all this stuff before kiddo #2 came and life got even more crazy.

Is it that I just can't manage my time? Have no time (please tell me this is the REAL reason I can't get anything done)? Have given up? What, what is it? I think if I write these things down as goals maybe I'll do them. I love lists... but only if I can cross things off. And I'm not sure anything would be crossed off right now. That would make me even more sad, frustrated, and feeling like a failure. Really, most of this stuff isn't important - just expectations that I put upon myself to think that's what a good wife and mother would be doing - but the few things I know are really important, like teaching my kids and exercising, seem impossible to get to most of the time. Why though? Where should I start? How does everyone else out there prioritize and find the time to do this stuff?

Sometimes being a mother and wife is really, really hard.

Eye Candy

The best part about having a baby with incredible hair is that everyone asks if they can take his pictures. It's great. Free photo sessions with photographers and look what we get in return! Thanks to my friend Candy of Eye Candy Photography for these awesome shots! I'm pretty sure there is no word to fully describe how smitten, head over heels, in love I am with this handsome boy! I just love the skateboard bench ones.
Rock star look one minute, angel the next!

Be a Little Better

"Let us all try to stand a little taller, rise a little higher, be a little better. Make the extra effort. You will be happier."
--- President Gordon B. Hinckley

I have been grouchy lately. A lot grouchy. Grumbling. Sad. Unhappy. Uncertain. And miserable. But today I decided it's time to be happy. Even if things aren't how I want them this very second, it's high time to have a better attitude. And do a little better. Even if it's not much and no one else would notice. I'm going to smile. I'm going to laugh. I'm going to be happier at work, at home, and with my husband and kids. I'm going to try harder to do those things I know we should be doing as a family - like eating our veggies, saying our prayers, speaking kind words to each other, reading stories before bedtime, and doing what needs to be done to keep a household functioning. I'm going to try harder to do those things which I know I need to do (but I could use a good kick in the butt from you all!) - like finally doing my visiting teaching after a *ho hum* long absence, saying my prayers, cooking dinner, being more patient in the morning with a certain child, giving hugs, and listening. And when I think I've got the hang of this happy attitude, I'm sure I'll come up with a whole slew of things I should/want to do but don't or can't. Then I'll get discouraged again. And have to remind myself to keep trying and that things are ok, even if it's not my ideal plan.

But I've got a secret weapon to this whole happy attitude thing...
Seriously, how could he NOT make you smile?

Rollin' Rollin' Rollin'

Not again! Cole rolled over today from his tummy to his back. Since he sleeps on his stomach, due to acid reflux, he is one strong boy. He can sit up with his head and neck straight for the longest time and is constantly showing us his muscles or kicking his sister (and believe me, having had to deal with "Ricco" for nine months I know the punch behind those kicks).

I'll be honest, I don't do much tummy time with him because I figure he gets a good nine hours of it at night but wow, was I impressed by him today. That kid held his neck up further than I think I could for a good 20 minutes, happy as can be, even though he refused to finish his nap hence the reason he was up and rollin' around. Then he decided to flip right over! He's only three months old! Ahhhh!!!! I am so, so, so grateful I was home today to catch it on video. That's the reason I want to stay home all the time (I know, crazy that wiping butts all day sounds joyous but it does)... to capture these precious and fleeting moments with my babies.