Christmas Day

Looks like Buddy told Santa we were on the Nice List. Or maybe it was pure bribery with Oreo cookies. They are his favorite, you know.

Dear Pearl and Cole,

Thank you for the rest stop. I found the cookies and reindeer dust. I hope you like your presents.
Merry Christmas,
Santa

Santa spoiled them rotten. Perhaps we need to proof-read the kids' letters to Santa next year.We got dinosaurs, new plates, bowls, and sippy cups, princesses and castles, fishing poles, balls, basketball hoop, a "man grill," books, and a pink 4-wheeler helmet. Which Pearl thought was certainly a mistake when she ripped open the paper and saw a baby wipes box. She kept telling us, this is Cole's present. But once we got the box opened, she knew exactly who it was really for. Cole was super jealous, because he knows exactly what a helmet means too. I didn't take as many pictures of the chaos and joy as I did last year. I wanted to just watch. Pearl's faces each time she opened her gifts were priceless. She was so excited! And when Cole wasn't crying or being overly sensitive from being sick, he seemed to enjoy the new toys too. Even with all the new plunder, Cole was more than happy to play with Grandma's train. And once we got to my parent's house for more gift opening (ridiculous, I tell you), the candy dish my Grandpa Jewkes made. Perfect for little fingers because they know just how to get the candy out. Karma I suppose for all the candy my Grandma let me have, even though my Mom hated it I'm sure.I had to put a picture of my brother, Jesse, and Cole together. Cole LOVES, LOVES, LOVES Jesse! He can even say his name. With all the grouchiness that comes with being sick, telling Cole we were going to see Jesse was seriously the one thing that made him smile and stop crying.One of these Christmases, these treasured ornaments (made by me, my Grandma Jewkes, and Jesse) will be on my tree. Even if I have to sneak a couple every year until my Mom figures out that half are missing! Don't worry siblings, I didn't take any of them. After all, it was Christmas.Merry Christmas!

Christmas Eve

We always spend Christmas Eve with Jeff's parents and his brother's family. It's a great way to get the kids all riled up about Santa coming and the presents they hope he brings.The "dinner maker" Pearl told Jeff I'd want. Funny. Jeff did surprise me with a new camera. Apparently he is tired of asking me where the little camera is. It's in my purse, duh! I think he was just pumped about it having a touch screen. Now to find the time to read the manual and figure out how to use this thing. Now that's my kind of dough!Pearl was shocked when she opened this gift.... exclaiming to Grandma and Grandpa, "How did you know that's exactly what I wanted?"Cole was sick again... has been for over a week now! He was sick last year too. Ugh. He tried to be a good sport about all the festivities but was just wasn't himself. Why do kids always get sick over the holidays? Jeff wanted one thing for Christmas. Socks. I had him fooled thinking he wasn't going to get any but surprise! He has more socks than he knows what to do with. Oh, he also wanted his Tablet back seeing as how I took it away from him a few days ago and wrapped it. He'd been playing with it ever since it came in the mail. I thought him and the kids were going to have to go to Angry Bird withdrawal therapy without it. Jeff's brother, Roy, gave him a "What every Aggie needs" pack. Bull Balm, Kleenex, and blue potatoes. It made us laugh.After spending time with Jeff's side of the family, we hurried over to my parent's house to visit with my Grandpa and Grandma Allen and my Grandpa Jewkes. I was so glad they were all there so we didn't have to run around to two more houses on Christmas Day. I fretted about what to get them for weeks, finally deciding last minute to make them a memory book. I wrote down all my favorite memories of them as a kid. I should have known with my crafting history that I was going to have a few bumps along the way. Like running out of glue and photo sticker things, almost running out of paper, and not having a printer. Luckily Jeff's mom came to the rescue and helped me finish them in the nick of time. I'm fairly certain I am still the favorite grandchild. I have to admit, I was kind of sad to not have Christmas morning at our own house. I really never thought I'd feel that way, but after last year, it was so nice to just be lazy and not run around crazy from place to place for a few hours here and there and then back home. Plus I just love our tree and the magic it brings!

Lights at Willard Bay

For the past few years, we've driven by the lights at Willard Bay and debated about whether we'd have time to stop before the basketball games. We've never stopped. Well, ok we stopped once. But when we saw it cost almost $10 to drive through a few hundred feet of lights we laughed and got back on the freeway.

But that was before kids.

Pearl has been hoping to stop and see all the lights for weeks. Jeff was in a very Christmasy mood and forked out the $10 for the festivities. As did about 100 other cars.

It was pretty fun and satisfied our almost weekly curiosity about the display. Even Cole pointed and jabbered at the lights. The only discernible words we could make out were neighs for a horse and lots of Santas. There were some pretty fun displays and had we had more time (and it wasn't sub-zero temperatures) we might have stopped at the little huts for hot chocolate and a wagon ride.

Good Riddance Day

Today is Good Riddance Day.

How do I know you ask? The Internet, well more specifically Facebook. So it must be true.

Apparently the idea is to say goodbye to your worst memory from 2011 once and for all. Well, considering I refrained from posting a "Festivus for the rest of us" post last week, ahem, more specifically an "Airing of Grievances," I couldn't pass up a second opportunity to tell 2011 to kiss my rear end.

Let's start with the Festivus rant that almost came. I was a grouch last week. A real grouch. Like worse than grinch-like. I won't go into details about what set me off but let's just say I was feeling emotionally done from the ENTIRE year's roller coaster ride. I was being a real ________ (you fill in the blank with a word that starts with a "b"). I was mean at home to Jeff and the kids. My coworkers could tell something was bugging me. I took a few hours off one day to do some Christmas shopping because one, I was having anxiety over those last minute gifts yet to be bought, and two, because I just couldn't take it anymore and needed a mental health break. On my way back from said shopping excursion, I stopped by WinCo to buy Jeff some of these Christmas gummy bears that only WinCo sells as a way of saying sorry for being a ________ (insert same "b" word here). I almost cried right there in the bulk section of the store when those gummy bears were the one single barrel that was empty. I called Jeff almost in tears promising him I was going to try to be "sweet and kind" (inside joke) but the gummy bears were nowhere to be found. He just laughed and said with that, all was forgiven. Whew. That same night, on our way home from one of the three trips back and forth to Logan that week, I blabbered to Jeff for over an hour about how I was feeling. Now, you can all imagine how excited he was to listen to his "pleasant" wife's rants at 11 p.m., but he actually agreed with everything I was saying and validated that all my emotions were completely in line! Most of them anyway.

And that's where the Festivus celebration comes into play. Jeff suggested we give everyone a Festivus card and air our grievances. Sadly (for us or them, I'm not sure) we came up with something for everyone. We almost went through with it too, until we realized we weren't ready to deal with the potential crying if someone didn't get the whole Festivus airing of grievances thing.

So no Festivus post. But now that I can say good riddance to 2011, I'm doing it! I hope I don't hurt any one's feelings or divulge too much of my family's personal saga, but here's good riddance to:

*Four deaths in the family in two months (all on my Dad's side of the family)
*Two broken marriages
*Hurt feelings, guilt, betrayal, confusion, fear, and the worst rage I've ever felt (and want to feel) in my life
*A text message that I will never forget
*Arrests, jail, court appearances, sentencings
*Emergency surgery
*Two suicide attempts, one nearly changed everything
*Sassy, defiant, trying, strong-willed, and exhausting children
*102 mph wind storm
*Emotions I never thought possible
*Turning down a job three times
*Wondering if my Grandma has enough fight left to win another battle of clinical depression and severe anxiety
*Seeing more wicked, sadness, and evil in this world than I ever wanted to imagine and knowing that my family's problems are no bigger or worse than anyone else

I can't even begin to describe the wear and tear from this year on me, my family, my marriage. I've drank more Mt. Dew (aka Mormon's liquor) and sworn more this year than I have in all the rest of the 30 years I've been on this planet combined! At one point I debated about doing a play-by-play account of monthly, if not weekly additions to the saga of 2011 but for your sake and for the sake of my posterity, I refrained. I had to laugh when Jeff and I went to tithing settlement a few weeks ago and the Bishop looked at our tithing for the year and said with a surprised look in his voice, "The Lord has been very good to you this year." We both turned and looked at each with a roll of our eyes. Don't get me wrong, I am extremely grateful I don't have to list major money struggles on my good riddance list but it hasn't been easy. Had it not been for two little pip-squeaks who needed to eat or be changed or entertained, I probably would have crawled into a black hole and never come out. It still doesn't excuse my behavior at times, but forgive me for being insensitive, complainy, sharp, and just plain rude.

But you know what, I survived. Barely. I think Jeff and I are closer because of everything. There were a lot of good things about 2011 too. It sounds cheesy but I am so grateful I keep a blog, well two blogs, because those posts are filled with funnies, happy memories, smiling children, and growing-up pains. They remind me that not everything was bad. Without them though, I'm afraid I would only remember the crap that seemed to encompass so much. I know my problems are no bigger or worse than anyone else's. I know there was a lot to be grateful for. I know I have a whole bunch of happy memories from this year that more than make up for any bad ones. I know everyone struggles. I know that if given the choice, I'd keep my own trials over someone else's. But this is a good riddance post and I'm allowed to say goodbye to everything craptastic that happened.

Let's just end with a wish and prayer that 2012 is less chaotic than 2011. Good riddance!

(And if you have no clue what Festivus or the Airing of Grievances is all about, really! Read about it and then watch the Seinfeld episode)

Will there ever come a day.....

Will there ever come a day when I can leave the room for 10.5 seconds to pee without Cole trying to open the bathroom door or once inside, barge his way back out OR put the dishes in the dishwasher OR get dressed OR as was the case this time, check to make sure my husband hadn't fallen off the ladder or chainsawed his foot off while trying to get more of our wind storm-damaged pine tree cut down without coming back to find this?I really, really hate popcorn.

(The picture serves no justice to the millions of crumbled popcorn kernels scattered on the floor, stuffed in between the couch cushions, sticking to the footstool, and in Cole's hair.)

Decision

Today is Tuesday, I think.

Which means I have made a decision about my job offer.

I didn't take it.

I don't really feel any better than I did before. In fact, I walked into work today feeling like I was going in for a bad performance review and almost hoping I didn't run into anyone from management. But I don't feel any worse after making my decision either. I guess I was hoping for a surge of warmth or euphoric joy after telling them I just couldn't take it. Again.

I really wanted to want the job. In the end though, I just couldn't say I was 100% committed or excited about taking it. I don't know if was the money, high expectations, thought of leaving my staff/projects, fear of working more than part-time because I can't discipline myself enough to go home as it is now when I'm scheduled to, or what. That's when I figured I had my answer. It really sucked to have to tell people I admire and respect no and not have a solid, concrete, good answer as to why. I just couldn't do it.

Thanks for all the advice and comments. They really did help. Sometimes I think you need to have someone else tell you what you are really trying to say because your mind has heard you say those things to yourself one too many times.

Is this third time's a charm or three strikes you're out? (I'm in inner turmoil, here people!)

I am in inner turmoil! Remember a rant a few months ago about some opportunities at work and me being torn about what to do? Feeling like for the first time in my career, I was going to have to give something up that I wanted because I was a mom? It seems like I do that a lot on my blog. Rant about something but then forget to come back and tell you all what the outcome was.

Let me refresh your memory.

The health department wrote a grant. A new and exciting, cutting-edge type grant. I was involved in the process, helping to develop a new position in my bureau. A dream position for me. A job that I knew I was perfect for. A job that I knew a lot of other people knew I was perfect for.

But it was going to be full-time and that was something I wasn't sure I was willing to do. So I thought about it and thought about it and thought about it. Then I prayed about it and got an answer. No.

I was pissed! I pouted about it for weeks. Every time my kids threw a tantrum, refused to eat what I'd cooked, or smashed popcorn into the floor I wondered why on earth I wasn't supposed to work full-time. But then I felt peace and knew I'd made the right decision.

Oh, did I mention this was all months before the funding was approved and the job opened? I knew I had to get an answer before I was forced to make a decision because it was going to be too hard to do once the job became available.

Then the job opened. As a full-time position. I deleted any and all emails with the job opening announcements in them. Not because I was wondering if I'd made the right choice, but because I didn't want to tempt myself only to be upset again because I'd already felt the answer was to not take the job. Two days before the job closed, my boss' boss talked to me about it. I was pretty much told I was the exception to the full-time rule and could have the exact same schedule I do now if I'd take it. Her last words were, I expect to see your application.

Did I also mention I'd had a dozen or so other employees and managers tell me the job was mine and to take it. No pressure or anything. I went home feeling confused and anxious. And, I'll admit, completely flattered. I had no clue what I was going to do. If I didn't take the job, I felt like I was letting my entire bureau down and burning bridges with management. If I did take the job, I felt like I was tempting God to tell me the answer I wanted to hear, not the one He wanted me to hear. Everyone around me kept saying, take the job.... my parents, siblings, coworkers, and management! On paper, it was the easy choice. The pros far outweighed any cons. Same hours, slightly higher pay, dream position..... but something kept nagging in my mind and heart. Every time I thought about taking it, I felt confusion, anxiety, cloudiness. It has taken me a very long time to learn how I receive answers to prayers and I finally admitted to myself that I knew these were not the feelings I should be having if the answer was yes. So I literally sat with the application open on my laptop as the stroke of midnight came and went on the night my dream job closed.

I breathed a sigh of relief and sent an apology email to my boss' boss and the hiring manager.

When I got to work the next day, two of my coworkers broke down and cried when I told them I hadn't taken it. They were so relieved. It was kind of overwhelming to think they were that upset at the thought of me leaving our program and yet at the same time, really, really flattering.

A few days later, feeling good about my choice, the hiring manager pulled me aside to talk. She asked me why I hadn't applied. I tried to explain why but I'm not even sure I know why I didn't. I didn't have a good answer that made sense in terms of career moves or expectations from management. Sure the pay wasn't exactly what I wanted or had in mind, the job wasn't as "big" as everyone had anticipated it to be, but those were just excuses for not taking it. In the end I just couldn't do it. Even with my same hours, I know how I work and what kind of intensity this position was going to entail. For five years I'd done similar work, championing an issue and integrating with other programs/agencies to achieve common goals. It was extremely rewarding and extremely intense. And I knew I struggled now - with a more low-key intensity job - going home on time and knew I'd struggle even more with this position. I didn't want anymore guilt when it came to work-family balance. The manager asked me if I'd apply if they re-opened it for me. Same hours.... dream job.

I left the meeting feeling overwhelmed. I was letting everyone down and yet I knew it was still the right choice. I'd felt peace and comfort, almost forgetting about the job entirely, for the second time when the job opened up. Even if I couldn't give management a "good" answer, I knew my prayers had been answered and I wasn't supposed to take it.

Flash forward a few weeks until Thursday. I'm feeling good, really relieved the interviews for the position were done - even with fellow coworkers railing me for not taking it in the first place - and then..... the hiring manager asks to speak with me. She tells me there are some good candidates who interviewed but I'm getting one more chance to take the job. It's mine if I want it. They'll do whatever it takes. A raise, same hours, and new opportunities.

Third time's a charm, right? Or is it more like, three strikes and I'm out?

I feel like I can't possibly ask Heavenly Father AGAIN about this! I keep thinking I'm going to loose the 116 pages of the Book of Mormon if I ask a third time. Or like the Nephites when Christ comes to the Americas and they don't recognize his voice until the third time. I'll never get answers to my prayers if I can't listen and obey after three chances! It sounds like a ridiculous comparison, but that's how I feel. I feel like I'm tempting God! And we all know how well that goes...

I feel so confused. I have to tell them on Monday what my decision is. I don't even dare ask God again. I'm not sure what to even ask for a third time. I fully believe you can get an answer and then something changes and the answer is different. The first time I prayed about it, the job was full-time and the answer was no. The second time I prayed about it, the job was part-time and the answer was still no. Now I'm getting a third and final chance but nothing else has changed. I'm not sure if this means I completely missed the boat with the first two answers or if Satan is tempting me to ask just once more for what I really want. The last thing I want is to be disobedient but I'm afraid to ask again because I'm feeling like I must not have listened the first two times. I'm confused. I want to want the job, I really do. But something just doesn't sit well. But this time I don't know if it's because it's not the right thing to do or if it's because I'm now questioning all of the previous answers I've received. And I hate having to get an answer on a deadline! That was the whole reason I asked months before the position opened up so I wouldn't have to figure things out in a weekend!

There's no reason why I shouldn't take the job. I'd get a small raise, I'd work the same hours I do now, I'd be challenged, do something I'm good at, and do something that my bureau needs me to do. I'd get to be "nosy" at work, which is what I love most about this job! It's hard to see any logical cons when compared to this list. Other than terribly missing working everyday with my friends in my program and losing the security and familiarity of working for my program. It's so easy to look at things from simply a monetary view point.... if I did, I could say I'm taking it because I want a raise (and if you're a fellow state employee you know how long it's been since our legislature felt us worthy enough to get a raise). Or if I don't take it, it's because the money isn't worth the hassle of learning something new, wrapping up projects, leaving something that is comfortable, and the stress. But money isn't the real reason I've said no twice before and I feel like I'm lying if I use it as an excuse.

Inner angst!!!! I don't know what to do. At times I feel like I'm almost trying to convince myself that this time, it's ok. Ask for the job and see what my answer is. All I want is to be reminded of the feelings I had twice before if that is still the choice Heavenly Father would have me make. I'm just not getting the stars-in-the-sky answer that would be so much easier to listen to. I kind of feel like I'm on my own this time.

So what do I do? What do I pray for? How will I know? Is this third time the charm or if I don't listen, three strikes and I'm out for all future revelation?

The clock is ticking..........

Surveying the damage (better pictures)

I was able to get outside today with better lighting and no kids to take these pictures. I think they're better than the ones I posted before, although I'm still not sure you can get the full scope of the debris and destruction throughout town. Poor Jeff is outside in the freezing cold (and, oh it snowed last night) trying to get the pine tree cut down by himself.

You can see the huge crack where it broke off. The whole ground is covered in pine needles and pine cones. The ground is also cracked along the roots and base of the trunk. Before it broke, the wind had pretty much stripped it of all it's branches and needles on the side it fell. This tree is HUGE!!!! Our swing got thrown down. Luckily it didn't blow out of our yard.There are piles of leaves and junk all along our back door and fences.What was once the playgrounds.And the little, red wagon that has yet to move.Shingles from our newly roofed garage roof.My poor, little bird feeder. If I can find the missing piece, maybe I can fix it. Anyone have tips for gluing ceramic/stoneware back together?This is the tree in our neighbor's yard we thought was going to fall down during the wind storm. It's pretty damaged with big branches stuck throughout the top. Not to mention all the branches that have already fallen. We aren't sure what to do about it yet.I watched this huge branch crack off.More junk in the front yard from the park, including a garbage can, pieces of the pavilion's metal roof, and of course more leaves and branches.On a positive note, I was able to fix my wind chime. I thought it had made it through the storm ok until Jeff handed me a piece of it. And I did see a dozen or so quail running around the backyard so I know they didn't blow away.

If anyone's up for some fun, come by with a chain saw and dress warm! We've got a big mess to clean up.

Surveying the damage

If you haven't heard about the monsterous wind storm Northern Utah (mainly Davis County) survived, you must be living under a rock.

The storm rolled in Wednesday night/Thursday a.m. (very a.m.). It was insane! Now, I already have a fear of wind storms but this thing just might have traumatized me for life. The winds were unbelievable! I laid in bed all night waiting for something to come crashing through our house. I kept thinking, this must be what it's like to hear a tornado coming. I was TERRIFIED! I kept scooching over towards Jeff for protection but every time my cold hands or feet touched him, he pushed me away. I couldn't believe he and the kids slept through everything! In those rare moments when I was able to drift of to sleep, I'd dream about tornadoes hitting our house and not knowing where to hide my kids. It made for a very long night. I couldn't take it anymore and got up after I heard the third explosion from power lines hitting each other that night. That's when the power finally went off, about 6:30 a.m. or so. The worst of the winds would hit about then too. I could tell things were nasty out there but without my contacts in or glasses on, I didn't really know what we'd find once the sun rose. I did know our Adirondack chair was missing from the front porch but my wind chime was still going strong. I still can't figure out how that chair got off the porch and ended up where it did. Then I looked out the windows in the sunroom to see if any trees had fallen down. That's when I saw our playground fly up and over towards the fence! I was shocked and certain one of our huge, mature trees was going to topple on the house or garage.

When light came, we could see there was a ton of debris everywhere. A main power line had snapped (I'm guessing the third and final boom I heard just before the power went out) and was laying in the middle of our street. Firetrucks were everywhere, closing the roads so people would stay away from the downed power lines. A tree in the park had fallen across the road too. A half dozen garbage cans from the park were strewn in our yard and up against our fence. And the metal roof on the pavilion was now sitting in pieces in the park and our front yard. Huge branches from all of our trees were everywhere... in our neighbor's driveway and all over our yard. Our neighbor came over to warn us to get out of the back of our house because he was afraid the pine tree in their backyard, which is right next to our garage, was going to fall. If it fell, it was going to at minimum hit our garage if not our house and take out a power line/power pole with it... which could have been disastrous because three houses had already been lost to fire from downed power lines that morning. He was watching as it pulled up from the roots and lifted up their deck underneath it. At that point, and driven by the freezing cold because our heat was out and our 101 year old house has no insulation, we decided to get out of there and head into work. Apparently it was just Davis/Weber counties that suffered the brunt of the winds. As we drove onto the freeway we saw overturned semi trucks all over the place. There were also lots of trucks pulled over hoping to ride the storm out.

I kept checking news reports all day at work. Category 2 hurricane force winds recorded in Centerville.... 102 mph!!! That's about a mile or so from our house. Dozens of trucks overturned on the freeway. Business signs, parts of roofs/siding, blowing in the roads and into people's houses. Trees down on homes, cars, ripping up sidewalks, driveways, and even lifting a house off of its foundation. Thousands without power or heat in the freezing cold.

When we got home and surveyed the damage, we found out it wasn't our neighbor's tree that fell like we all thought it would but ours. Jeff and I always joked about wishing it would blow over because we hated picking up the pine needles and Jeff wanted to put a shed where it was, but actually seeing it on the ground was another thing. There are cracks in the dirt next to the roots where you can tell the wind was picking it up. I'm surprised the entire thing didn't topple. We're all still worried about the neighbor's tree falling because it's so damaged. It could easily fall with any bit of wind and that could be a huge mess. Our neighbor to the West of us lost a huge pine tree too, along with several other smaller trees. I found it funny that the wind blew all the leaves into giant, perfect piles next to our fence and back door. At least it will make it easier to rake up. We lost a few shingles from our garage too, but luckily all of Jeff's hard work paid off and he won't have much to repair. Here's where the playground used to be. You can see it next to the fence. Another, smaller, plastic playground got thrown into our fence/flower bed too. I have no clue where the sandbox cover went and our pool went into the neighbor's garden. But... the red wagon didn't move a single inch! I'm not kidding. The thing is in the exact same place. Oh and a bouncy ball we had in the yard is still there. How weird is that? Pearl FREAKED when she saw her playground ruined! FREAKED! I guess we'll be building a new one come summer.I'm totally bummed that my bird feeder didn't make it. I realized it was swinging wildly in the wind as I watched the playground tumble over itself but I wasn't going to risk life and limb to retrieve it.I snapped these pictures as we were driving home. Entering Davis County is like driving into a war zone. No one had power in Bountiful, businesses and homes were dark. Signs were blow to pieces all over the place and on the freeway. A semi was on it's side in the Lowe's parking lot. There are downed pine trees everywhere, debris, garbage cans, etc. Had our house not been so dang cold, I would have driven around taking pictures of all the damage. Although pictures don't do the "war zone" justice. Since our house was in the 50s when we got home, we decided to not bother anyone and just go to a hotel. We picked one with a water park inside and had fun swimming instead of freezing and listening to the wind. I'm so grateful no one was hurt and that our house wasn't damaged. There are so many families who have a huge disaster on their hands. We've just got a ton of yard work to do.