I can't sleep.
I can't believe how tired I am, yet can't sleep. I can't imagine what tomorrow will bring if I don't eventually go to bed.
I can't believe I'm not freaking out from the thunder I just heard. I'm terrified of thunder, wind too. But once you're a mom you can't be a wuss all the time.
I can't.
I just can't do it.I can't go back to work. In less than two weeks.
I can't leave Cole at daycare. I can't stand the thought of it actually.
I can't stand the thought of missing him all day. Missing his "show me your muscles" poses. Missing how he bites his bottom lip... just like Jeff does when he's concentrating on something. Missing his unbelievable hair. His blue eyes. His ever growing chubby legs. His sweet coos, oohs, squeals, and smiles. Missing out on everything.
I can't stand the thought of him crying all day there. On his back. With no one holding him and loving him like I do. Not changing his diapers for the upteenth time in an hour (he can't stand to sit in even a smidge of a piddley diaper). Not getting to swing outside with him when he refuses to just give in to being tired and take a nap.
I can't stand the thought of someone not patiently dealing with his reflux. Wondering if they listened to me and put him on his stomach to sleep. He's a hard baby. I know the hard babies at daycare are the ones the teachers get sick of the fastest. The ones they don't want to deal with day after day. The ones that just get plopped in the bouncy chairs or swings. Or the ones that their moms get called down a zillion times a day "because I think he's hungry" only to have a whole fiasco when they won't eat, get your milk flowing, scream because it's not what they want, then you spend another 30 minutes calming them down only to realize you will NEVER get to go home at this rate.
I can't imagine going an entire day without moving him from place to place, from bouncy chair, to the floor, to holding him, to going outside, to bouncing him on your knees, to putting him up on your shoulder, then feeding him and doing this over and over again at least every 30 minutes. I can't stand the thought of not carrying him around tucked under my arm so he can look over my shoulder, all while wondering how on earth I'm going to get anything done around the house with him in my arms.
I just can't leave him. I know I'm not a great stay-at-home mom and wife, and get remind that no one seems to think I'd be good as a permanent SAHM either, but I've tried to do my best. I don't think I have been or would be that horrible at it. I'm sure there are days when everyone wishes they were doing something else other than what they are but would I really miss all the meetings, emails, reports to read, grants to review, and did I mention meetings to go to? Everyone says they are counting down the days until I'm back, which is nice to know but what do my kids think when they get left at daycare and mom leaves them. I'm good at my paid job but how much better could I be at being a mom if I didn't work? Why is this so hard? With Pearl it wasn't so bad to go back to work. I was bored, she was an easy-going baby who loved new things, and I wanted to go back. But this time it's different. I am just sick thinking about leaving Cole. I don't know what to do.
I just can't do it.
Every 24th we head down to "Cole" country (aka Orangeville) for my Peacock family reunion. We nearly missed out this year though. Not because we broke down on Highway 6 (see last year's adventure), although I guess my cousins broke down on their way home but I've yet to hear all the details, but because of a little, crazy haired boy who does not like to be in his car seat. It was a hard decision for us to go because we feared 3+ hours of screaming there and 3+ hours of screaming back. We also feared staying home for the city's annual Handcart Days celebration. So we opted to try leaving as early in the morning as we could to hopefully trick Cole into thinking it was his regular morning nap. BINGO! It worked! We made it all the way to Helper before pulling over to feed and change him. Then again we also made it all the way to Helper (from Orangeville... not more than 45 minutes away) on the way back before we had to stop and feed him but this was the best Cole has been in the car ever! He was such a good boy the entire day. I was mighty impressed considering how unhappy he was the day before. He is just so adorable.
Pearl was really good too. She spent most of her time running back and forth between the bouncy house, Aunt Kimmy, and asking someone to find her another pink lemonade. I'm pretty sure the kid literally jumped for at least six hours in the bouncy house. 
Since most of you reading this could care less about my family reunion, I'm never quite sure what to write about it. Basically we eat. And by eat I mean we eat essentially two things: meat (this is a ranch after all), even branded with the "lazy P" brand, 
and cream puffs... heavenly cream puffs. The day Aunt Beulah stops bringing these irresistible treats is the day I stop coming to the reunion. I kept teasing my Dad that he hadn't eaten a cream puff yet... something about pacing himself blah blah blah... so instead he ended up buying some at the auction and then asking Aunt Beulah for the extras (thanks to my brilliant idea to get as many as we could and freeze them) after most folks had cleared out. Score for our next get together!
We looked at memorabilia from the Peacock Cash Store, Orangeville's general merchandise store for many, many years opened by my great-great grandparents. Seeing all this stuff sure makes me wish I knew more about my family history and had something to remember my great grandparents and Grandma by. 
Speaking of my grandma, I sure miss her. All day there were little reminders of her and it made me really sad knowing she isn't here anymore. That she doesn't get to hold Cole and have tea parties with Pearl. That I don't have her here to tell me who everyone is in old pictures or tell me stories about them. Reminders like a handful of fresh peas that my mom picked for me. My mom's dad always made sure we had a sack of peas to take to my Grandma because he knew how much she loved them. My Grandma would eat an entire grocery sack (or two) of them for dinner. My Grandpa hated it when we'd bring her peas because he always said he wouldn't get dinner that night. 
There was even a Peacock Cash Store for the kids. I was super excited to see some homemade suckers for purchase because I remember my Great Grandma Peacock sending us a box of suckers for Christmas and Valentine's Day every year. I couldn't wait to get it and tried to explain to Pearl how neat these suckers were. She could have cared less what I was jabbering about... she just wanted to eat them! 
Thank heavens we finally ended lunch and got the auction going because I was on my third helping of cream puffs at this point. This year Jeff came prepared to outbid my Uncle Delroy and told me we could outbid anyone on anything ! Wahoo! Although I did question where he got all this money suddenly. I had my eyes set on a thermometer that had been on the Peacock Cash Store. I thought for sure it was going to go for a lot more than it did but we got it for a screaming price. And it still works.
My grandpa always brings some handmade crafts to the auction. And everyone goes nuts over them. Pathetic that the only way you get some of his creations is to outbid your relatives for them! Like the tops and turtle puzzle. 
How Kimmy - who came with only $9 to her name - walked away with not only the turtle puzzle but the raffle quilt too I have no idea! At least I didn't have to bid for one of her peacock pictures... I had already begged her to let me have her original painting.
Uncle Paul, Grandpa, Uncle Delroy, and Uncle Jim modeling their "murses" they were suckered into buying at the auction. They are so funny to watch as they tease each other and try to outbid each other on anything and everything. I can just picture these clowns as teenagers teasing each other and getting into all sorts of mischief. Their tabs get pretty hefty by the end of the auction and I'm pretty sure between Uncle Paul and my Grandpa, they single handedly pay for the reunion year after year.
Some views from the ranch that my sister took. I'm guessing next year I won't be so lucky and will have to actually bid on a painting she does from these pictures. 
Reunions might not be the most fun way to spend a holiday weekend but they are sure a good reminder of your past and how important it is to document your own life experiences for your posterity. I know every year I wish I knew more about my ancestors, heck, even my own grandparents and parents for that matter. Thank goodness I'm addicted to blogging because my kids and grandkids should have plenty of funny stories to tell when I'm gone!
I can't stand the thought of him crying all day there. On his back. With no one holding him and loving him like I do. Not changing his diapers for the upteenth time in an hour (he can't stand to sit in even a smidge of a piddley diaper). Not getting to swing outside with him when he refuses to just give in to being tired and take a nap.
I can't imagine going an entire day without moving him from place to place, from bouncy chair, to the floor, to holding him, to going outside, to bouncing him on your knees, to putting him up on your shoulder, then feeding him and doing this over and over again at least every 30 minutes. I can't stand the thought of not carrying him around tucked under my arm so he can look over my shoulder, all while wondering how on earth I'm going to get anything done around the house with him in my arms.
I just can't leave him. I know I'm not a great stay-at-home mom and wife, and get remind that no one seems to think I'd be good as a permanent SAHM either, but I've tried to do my best. I don't think I have been or would be that horrible at it. I'm sure there are days when everyone wishes they were doing something else other than what they are but would I really miss all the meetings, emails, reports to read, grants to review, and did I mention meetings to go to? Everyone says they are counting down the days until I'm back, which is nice to know but what do my kids think when they get left at daycare and mom leaves them. I'm good at my paid job but how much better could I be at being a mom if I didn't work? Why is this so hard? With Pearl it wasn't so bad to go back to work. I was bored, she was an easy-going baby who loved new things, and I wanted to go back. But this time it's different. I am just sick thinking about leaving Cole. I don't know what to do.
