I fully admit that this post might tick off all my friends who are stay at home moms. Or just plain offend anyone who considers themselves "grammar police" because I'm sure there will be many-an-incoherent sentence, incomplete thought, and rambling.
When I had Pearl, I wanted to come back to work. It's not that it wasn't hard, but it felt like the right decision. When I had Cole, I wanted to stay home. It was torturous to go back. I felt horrible guilty until I told myself to stop walking around with my head down and to make the best of my situation. Luckily, I have a flexible part-time job that isn't too challenging (please don't think I'm a lazy state employee, like what seems to always be the general perception, because I'm not). I'm able to adjust my hours each week as my family commitments (and quite frankly, mental health!) demands. It took several months, but things got better.
But now I'm struggling again.
There have been a few potential opportunities come up and that will be coming up in the next few months that I really want. And a couple of them, I can't help but know they are custom built for me if I want them. But they are full-time positions. Well, one is a part-time position just like mine in an area I love. I'm torn. I see other coworkers advance in their skills and I feel like I've fallen drastically behind. I feel so out-of-the-loop with how public health is changing and growing. I used to be "the in person" who everyone came to for brainstorming and advice on up-and-coming trends. But over the past couple of years, I've suddenly found myself out of the loop. I joked about in a meeting, that "I used to be cool." Everyone laughed but it's really how I feel. Don't get me wrong, I really enjoy my job but I'm bored. I miss program planning, partnership development, and working on new, challenging projects that push boundaries and break the status-quo. If anyone knows me in my professional life, they know I like to "be in the know" and in leadership roles. I'm good at seeing the big vision and helping make all the little pieces connect together. I love being ahead of the curve, at the forefront of the next new public health challenge.
I guess it has suddenly hit me that I've made sacrifices because I'm a mom. Oh sure, there's the sacrifice of sleep, my body, brain, mental state, money, time, etc that all moms give up when they have kids but this is the first time I can see some of the things I have and might miss out on professionally. Which sounds so selfish I'm sure for anyone reading this who quit their job entirely to stay at home. You're thinking, "you still work how can you be upset or feel like you've made any sort of professional sacrifice? You didn't make that much of a sacrifice because you are working." It's much harder for me to keep one foot in the door and see others move ahead by leaps and bounds than if I was at home and never saw what I was missing out on.
I've struggled with what to do about these potential opportunities for weeks. I feel like if I don't take hold of some of these, I will slowly be forgotten at work when the time does come to advance. Plus, I feel like I've been banished with our cubicle reconfiguration. I'm way, way, way down the hall away from everyone. I would love these jobs. And with Pearl's attitude lately, working full time doesn't sound that bad! :)
But then everything else around me makes me feel like even thinking about these opportunities and being upset that I feel like I've sacrificed things professionally is selfish. How can I say I've sacrificed things when I'm still working? I know deep down my family is my number one priority and that working full time will probably make it that much harder to try and keep that as my first priority. I know my kids will never be little again and that I only have a few years in the grand scheme of things to treasure this time, it's just I feel this same way almost when it comes to these potential jobs. Maybe this is a test. I just didn't expect to see it so in my face all at once. It's always been the "stay at home or work" sort of question that you think you have to deal with. Not missing out on professional opportunities that you want. Maybe it's Satan trying to thwart my futile attempts at raising an eternal family. All I know is I'm confused, sad, and lonely. How do I keep myself fresh at work, on the cutting edge, and not be forgotten while at the same time trying to be a good wife and mother? What if the answer is to stay where I am and miss out on opportunities? Or what if it's to go back to full-time and then miss out more on my kids than I already do? Maybe I already know the answer but I'm just not ready to listen to it.
