It seems like everywhere I turn there are references to motherhood. Or the lack thereof.
I wanted to write a long, well-thought out post for a few weeks now on my take on the family. But I haven't gotten around to it, obviously. I've felt a bit "off" the past few days... dizzy, nearly fainting, and super tired. Like falling asleep on the couch every night at 9:30 p.m. tired - way not me! I AM NOT PREGNANT... puking would be the first thing listed on those symptoms if I was. And I can assure you I am not pregnant.
Glad we got that cleared up.
Now back to what I was originally thinking about. It sort of started with this blog I've recently started to peek at. They did almost an entire month celebration of the Proclamation to the Family. And then some things I've learned about with a cousin and my grandma that made me really sad. It got me thinking about all the things that I do - and mostly, the things that I don't do - to buoy up my own family in this world. I guess I've just never really thought about the Proclamation before, taking bits of it apart and really trying to understand and apply it in my own life. That's where my original intention of writing a well-thought out blog post comes in.
But it's not going to happen tonight.
Let's just say, it can be horribly discouraging to think about all the wicked things out there that want to tear my family apart. Tear my marriage apart. Tear my children down. Tear me down. Families are being torn apart and pulled in every direction. The world is one crazy, stressed-out, spiritually neglected place at times. But this celebration on the family was a light in the darkness. And articles like this one, which have made me stop and think that I need to not only show my gratitude more for my messy, busy, healthy, and adorable children and husband but that I need to talk about it, write about it, and live it. I'm not always good at that. I get easily discouraged. Distracted. Frustrated.
But I am so grateful for my family. I love them more than they will ever know. It sounds corny, but we are getting family pictures this weekend and I am so excited. I am so excited to have pictures of my family to plaster all over our home. To show off to everyone I know. Hopefully everyone will cooperate and look and smile at the camera (at the same time) so my joy can be felt by others!
As a mother, I can't describe the feelings of love I have for my children. And for my husband. They are everything to me. I know I don't always show it, I yell too much, I'm far too impatient with them, and I expect way too much sometimes but I do love them. My patriarchal blessing says my greatest joy will be to be a mother in Zion. And it is. I just need to remember to stop and truly live it before my greatest joys grow up. I find myself exuding way too much energy on things that don't matter in the eternities. Jeff reminded me of this just the other day when I was fretting about going into work for a meeting on my day off. He simply asked if it was how I wanted to spend my day with my kids and when that wasn't good enough for me, asked if it was so important that we'd cancel a vacation for it. That's when I knew. I spend too much energy on stuff that doesn't matter. I need to stop and remember that my kids need me right now. They need a mom who lives what she wants them to live their lives like. They need a mom who can say at the end of her life that she gave everything she had to them, that she has no regrets, no "I wish that I would have....", that she taught them the things they needed to be happy, selfless, and spiritually safe.
I know I am far from that Mom today. But I promise them, I will try to become what they need and deserve. One day at a time....
