I am in inner turmoil! Remember a rant a few months ago about some opportunities at work and me being torn about what to do? Feeling like for the first time in my career, I was going to have to give something up that I wanted because I was a mom? It seems like I do that a lot on my blog. Rant about something but then forget to come back and tell you all what the outcome was.
Let me refresh your memory.
The health department wrote a grant. A new and exciting, cutting-edge type grant. I was involved in the process, helping to develop a new position in my bureau. A dream position for me. A job that I knew I was perfect for. A job that I knew a lot of other people knew I was perfect for.
But it was going to be full-time and that was something I wasn't sure I was willing to do. So I thought about it and thought about it and thought about it. Then I prayed about it and got an answer. No.
I was pissed! I pouted about it for weeks. Every time my kids threw a tantrum, refused to eat what I'd cooked, or smashed popcorn into the floor I wondered why on earth I wasn't supposed to work full-time. But then I felt peace and knew I'd made the right decision.
Oh, did I mention this was all months before the funding was approved and the job opened? I knew I had to get an answer before I was forced to make a decision because it was going to be too hard to do once the job became available.
Then the job opened. As a full-time position. I deleted any and all emails with the job opening announcements in them. Not because I was wondering if I'd made the right choice, but because I didn't want to tempt myself only to be upset again because I'd already felt the answer was to not take the job. Two days before the job closed, my boss' boss talked to me about it. I was pretty much told I was the exception to the full-time rule and could have the exact same schedule I do now if I'd take it. Her last words were, I expect to see your application.
Did I also mention I'd had a dozen or so other employees and managers tell me the job was mine and to take it. No pressure or anything. I went home feeling confused and anxious. And, I'll admit, completely flattered. I had no clue what I was going to do. If I didn't take the job, I felt like I was letting my entire bureau down and burning bridges with management. If I did take the job, I felt like I was tempting God to tell me the answer I wanted to hear, not the one He wanted me to hear. Everyone around me kept saying, take the job.... my parents, siblings, coworkers, and management! On paper, it was the easy choice. The pros far outweighed any cons. Same hours, slightly higher pay, dream position..... but something kept nagging in my mind and heart. Every time I thought about taking it, I felt confusion, anxiety, cloudiness. It has taken me a very long time to learn how I receive answers to prayers and I finally admitted to myself that I knew these were not the feelings I should be having if the answer was yes. So I literally sat with the application open on my laptop as the stroke of midnight came and went on the night my dream job closed.
I breathed a sigh of relief and sent an apology email to my boss' boss and the hiring manager.
When I got to work the next day, two of my coworkers broke down and cried when I told them I hadn't taken it. They were so relieved. It was kind of overwhelming to think they were that upset at the thought of me leaving our program and yet at the same time, really, really flattering.
A few days later, feeling good about my choice, the hiring manager pulled me aside to talk. She asked me why I hadn't applied. I tried to explain why but I'm not even sure I know why I didn't. I didn't have a good answer that made sense in terms of career moves or expectations from management. Sure the pay wasn't exactly what I wanted or had in mind, the job wasn't as "big" as everyone had anticipated it to be, but those were just excuses for not taking it. In the end I just couldn't do it. Even with my same hours, I know how I work and what kind of intensity this position was going to entail. For five years I'd done similar work, championing an issue and integrating with other programs/agencies to achieve common goals. It was extremely rewarding and extremely intense. And I knew I struggled now - with a more low-key intensity job - going home on time and knew I'd struggle even more with this position. I didn't want anymore guilt when it came to work-family balance. The manager asked me if I'd apply if they re-opened it for me. Same hours.... dream job.
I left the meeting feeling overwhelmed. I was letting everyone down and yet I knew it was still the right choice. I'd felt peace and comfort, almost forgetting about the job entirely, for the second time when the job opened up. Even if I couldn't give management a "good" answer, I knew my prayers had been answered and I wasn't supposed to take it.
Flash forward a few weeks until Thursday. I'm feeling good, really relieved the interviews for the position were done - even with fellow coworkers railing me for not taking it in the first place - and then..... the hiring manager asks to speak with me. She tells me there are some good candidates who interviewed but I'm getting one more chance to take the job. It's mine if I want it. They'll do whatever it takes. A raise, same hours, and new opportunities.
Third time's a charm, right? Or is it more like, three strikes and I'm out?
I feel like I can't possibly ask Heavenly Father AGAIN about this! I keep thinking I'm going to loose the 116 pages of the Book of Mormon if I ask a third time. Or like the Nephites when Christ comes to the Americas and they don't recognize his voice until the third time. I'll never get answers to my prayers if I can't listen and obey after three chances! It sounds like a ridiculous comparison, but that's how I feel. I feel like I'm tempting God! And we all know how well that goes...
I feel so confused. I have to tell them on Monday what my decision is. I don't even dare ask God again. I'm not sure what to even ask for a third time. I fully believe you can get an answer and then something changes and the answer is different. The first time I prayed about it, the job was full-time and the answer was no. The second time I prayed about it, the job was part-time and the answer was still no. Now I'm getting a third and final chance but nothing else has changed. I'm not sure if this means I completely missed the boat with the first two answers or if Satan is tempting me to ask just once more for what I really want. The last thing I want is to be disobedient but I'm afraid to ask again because I'm feeling like I must not have listened the first two times. I'm confused. I want to want the job, I really do. But something just doesn't sit well. But this time I don't know if it's because it's not the right thing to do or if it's because I'm now questioning all of the previous answers I've received. And I hate having to get an answer on a deadline! That was the whole reason I asked months before the position opened up so I wouldn't have to figure things out in a weekend!
There's no reason why I shouldn't take the job. I'd get a small raise, I'd work the same hours I do now, I'd be challenged, do something I'm good at, and do something that my bureau needs me to do. I'd get to be "nosy" at work, which is what I love most about this job! It's hard to see any logical cons when compared to this list. Other than terribly missing working everyday with my friends in my program and losing the security and familiarity of working for my program. It's so easy to look at things from simply a monetary view point.... if I did, I could say I'm taking it because I want a raise (and if you're a fellow state employee you know how long it's been since our legislature felt us worthy enough to get a raise). Or if I don't take it, it's because the money isn't worth the hassle of learning something new, wrapping up projects, leaving something that is comfortable, and the stress. But money isn't the real reason I've said no twice before and I feel like I'm lying if I use it as an excuse.
Inner angst!!!! I don't know what to do. At times I feel like I'm almost trying to convince myself that this time, it's ok. Ask for the job and see what my answer is. All I want is to be reminded of the feelings I had twice before if that is still the choice Heavenly Father would have me make. I'm just not getting the stars-in-the-sky answer that would be so much easier to listen to. I kind of feel like I'm on my own this time.
So what do I do? What do I pray for? How will I know? Is this third time the charm or if I don't listen, three strikes and I'm out for all future revelation?
The clock is ticking..........
