Carri

Just to be upfront, this post won't make sense to anyone but me and I don't expect anyone to read it. I just need to let out some emotions. My friend Carri Jones died this afternoon. This is the first time I've stopped crying since my mom called to tell me. She had a couple of brain tumors and had been fighting them the last few years. Then last week, on the 23rd, she had another MRI and it was bad. The tumors were growing out of control. The doctor told her family she would only have a couple of months but when I talked to her little brother, he told me they didn't think she would even make it a few weeks. That was on Saturday. He told me yesterday that he didn't think she would be here long enough for me to come say goodbye on Thursday. I sent Carri a note and asked him to read it to her...I hope he did. I can't stop crying. I am so mad, sad, crazy, I don't know. I can't believe this, it's so weird, unreal, unimaginable. Carri is gone. It feels like the innocent part of my life is now gone, somehow like that part of me has been stripped away by the heartache this world can bring. We grew up together and I love her. Carri is a very special person to me. I remember at some of my darkest moments growing up that she was always there to listen to me. I would complain to her about boys, feeling ugly, school, uncertainty about who I was, and Carri always knew how to make me feel better. Somehow she could always make me laugh, feel beautiful, special, and it was like she knew who I was going to become even though I didn't. She took me horseback riding and I remember when she got a horse, Doe, and I was so jealous. I don't even remember where we went horseback riding, but I was nervous because it had been a really long time since I had ridden and she stayed right by me the whole time. She took me over to see her baby bunnies, sheep, foals, and other pets she somehow convinced her parents to let her raise. Carri was so gentle. Girls camp was always a blast with her. She was in charge of the fires, self-appointed I think, and we always knew Carri would be there to keep the way too giddy girls in line. We went to a girl's choice dance together (a big step for both of us, since we were so shy when it came to dating)...she took Jesse Mortensen (and boy was she giddy) and I took Justin Simper who lived by us. I think we went to the Haunted Forest and then for pizza. I am so mad, not at her, but me. Why wasn't I a better friend, kept in touch more, especially after "growing up" and getting married? Every time I saw her I felt beautiful and I knew she loved me too. I'm mad that someone hasn't figured out why so many people in my neighborhood have gotten brain cancer, I'm mad that her family has to suffer, I'm mad that I'm not closer to any of my dear friends and I don't even have their numbers to call and tell them about Carri, I can't believe that one of "my girls" is gone. Her family is so strong...her sister has fought a brain tumor, her mom, has breast cancer. I just can't believe this. I don't know what to do other than cry.